Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Problem With Spam

A Problem With Spam

Since this blog is so popular, you know I have to go through a lot of reader e-mails a day. And while I make it a task to constantly answer everything you folks send me, because I love all my fans just the same.

Every once in a while I get a strange e-mail and well, I don't know how exactly it got into my mail box. Mainly because I don't consider myself to be a source of actual USEFUL information. Let's take a look at what someone sent me in the mail:

Subj: GMail being filled up with spam

Lately (in the past week) I've been inundated with crap from people who want to sell me a new mortgage, or elongate my penis, or sell the SlapChop. Did someone figure out how to bypass the Google spam filter or what? I've had 4 spam mails in the last half hour selling cell phones to Viagra, or wanting me to sign up for a credit report or try out the newest vacuum cleaner from China.

I've searched this and there are plenty of people bitching about it, so I know that some scalawag didn't just add me to a bunch of shitty mailing lists. What the hell is up?

Why hey, Billy. I would like to answer your question. Why? Because it seems that I have the same problem with unwanted mail in my mail box. But I think I can come up with some sort of solution. Or at least use your e-mail, which I'm sure was not meant to be sent to me in the first place, be answered in some fashion.

Billy, to be fair, your penis IS pretty short. So maybe those unwanted penis extensions may not be wanted, they are still useful. And if they didn't work, do you think they would advertise for them?

Are you seriously complaining about spam on the internet? Are you new to the world of computers and interwebbing? I've been spam free for about three years now. You are clearly doing something wrong. That wrong is giving your e-mail address to fake porn sites. No, that would require some level of self control. I'm sure you're just logging on to too many Hentai sites. If you want, I can give your e-mail out to the blogging community so they can fix you up with some anti-spam sites.

Is pressing "Delete all spam" that difficult? I know I have no problem deleting everything and anything. Especially those important e-mails from the bosses that are filled with helpful notes for scripts.

I guess with that I'll end this helpful hint on deleting your spam. If you have any questions, you know where to address them... That brick wall right over there.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Ads I Do LIke - Jim Henson

Ads I Do Like - Jim Henson

If you've followed this blog, you'd seen that I hate a lot of ads. Being that I'm in the entertainment industry and the whole point of the productions that I'm working on is to simply sell advertising minutes, I think I should be less jaded about it.

Can you blame me? There's a lot of really shitty ads out there. When I first started writing, I would write copy and create stupid and otherwise unmarketable. But I thought they were silly. On a recent trip I discovered that Jim Henson, before going all muppets, did silly advertising in the same fashion. He has become even more my hero with the work that he did.

I present to you some of the best ads I have ever seen. Even if they're all old and outdated, I'd still buy the shit out of the products simply because of the way they took the creative marketing to sell them.

La Choy Dragon

God damn, that's funny shit.

RC Cola


Ideal Toys

Some Sausage

More la Choy Dragon!

Wilson Meats


C&P Telephone

Munchos ... Notice someone familiar in that?

Tastee Freez

And what a way to end this but with that awesome dragon again

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hungry Like The Wolf

Hungry Like The Wolf

If there's one thing that Catholic school did to me, it was kill my sense of fashion. I had none. Absolutely none after years of wearing the same god damn thing day after day. But even on my worse days not knowing what to wear, I never sunk as low as to wear a Wolf t-shirt.

If there's one thing that is my saving grace to not knowing fashion is that I knew enough that Wolf or any other animal print shirt was just awful. But being as I'm a nerd and part of the nerd community, I have to at least acknowledge the existence of these god awful things. I present to you, the wolf print shirt:

There it is in all its glory. I'm not sure what exactly one would see in these sort of shirts. I mean, it doesn't scream out cool or anything near that. But then again, don't take my word for it, read these reviews on the subject of Wolf shirts.

Talk about glowing reviews from all these shoppers.

But hey, if you don't want to heed my warnings and you'd like to rock out with a Wolf t-shirt, you can buy them here on Amazon.com Yup, that's right. Amazon.com: Where customers who make fun of walmart shoppers shop.

Then again, not everyone is all for this sort of humor.
By The Mountain (Keene, NH) - See all my reviews
We appreciate humor as much as the next company, but we don't approve of some of the Classist remarks that are being generated here. Since we live in a relatively free society, this sometimes makes it easier to look past our own shortcomings and throw stones in glass houses.

The Mountain is a wholesale company and does not sell shirts on Amazon, so this viral assault went under our radar until the shirt made it into the top 10 in the amazon apparel section.

Some say: "Bad publicity is better than no publicity at all. We however disagree if it's at the expense of others in a Classist, Racist or Prejudice manner.

We are a New Hampshire company and some of the folks you ridicule are our neighbors, our friends and those that make our shirts, that are part of The Mountain family. They are the working class of America. Not everyone can start out at the top and not everyone from our neck of the woods lives in a trailer or cruises Walmart to hook up (though we do shop there for cheap Blue Rays).

We are inspired by our natural surrounding, nature, you can mock it, but please do us a favor and don't visit.
So what's a Wolf shirt buyer to do? Do you trust the sarcastic reviews or the company that makes them? Well, we can always see what the buyers of wolf shirts are buying...

Yup, nothing goes better with a Wolf shirt than some Zebra striped pants.. Totally awesome in every possible way. Oooh yeah.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Autobots: Transform And Slow Your Roll

Autobots: Transform And Slow Your Roll

First off, if you waited in line on Tuesday night to watch this movie, go ahead and go kill yourself before you continue reading this piece. No, I'm serious. You went to a god damn midnight screening for this piece of shit? You're a worthless human being.

Anyway, remember how in the first Transformers movie they had wacky fat black character and Jazz was a black robot. Add in that he was the only one that got killed as well as all those hilarious Indian call center jokes? Well, Transformers 2 bumps it up a notch there, buddy. Because you know what a sequel mean. More of everything! Woooooo! And when you have Michael Bay in the mix, all bets are off. Let's turn that racism dial up to 11 and see what happens!

why does a robot need teeth?

best not to go full tard, man.

Transformers' Jive-Talking Robots Raise Race Issues
SANDY COHEN | June 24, 2009 12:57 PM EST | AP

LOS ANGELES — "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" introduces some 40 new mechanized characters of all shapes, sizes and even sexes _ but it's a pair of jive-talking 'bots that critics are singling out as more than just harmless comic relief.

Skids and Mudflap, twin robots disguised as compact Chevys, constantly brawl and bicker in rap-inspired street slang. They're forced to acknowledge that they can't read. One has a gold tooth.

As good guys, they fight alongside the Autobots and are intended to provide comic relief. But the traits they're ascribed raise the specter of stereotypes most notably seen when Jar Jar Binks, the clumsy, broken-English speaking alien from "Star Wars: Episode I _ The Phantom Menace," was criticized as a racial caricature.

sheeeit nigga we got dat all spark
Michael Bay had an interview with the Associated Press were he was made to defend himself against racial allegations. These charges steam from two of Bay's secondary robot characters, Mudflap and Skids. People seem to think that these two characters promote offensive racial stereotypes. Michael Bay does not disagree, he just doesn't see anything wrong with it.

These two robots have all the trimmings from enormous jug ears, bug eyes, and a enormous gold tooth sticking out of one of their faces to speaking in high pitched voices that remind you of Chris Tucker in Friday. Mudflap and Skids are voiced by Black actor Reno Wilson, and comedian and voice talent Tom Kenny. The dialog suggests that the two robots will start popping a cap in another robot.

"We're just putting more personality in," Bay told the Associated Press. "I don't know if it's stereotypes - they are robots, by the way. These are the voice actors. This is kind of the direction they were taking the characters and we went with it."

New York times critic Manohla Dargis wrote that the characters speak with "conspicuously cartoonish, so-called black voices that indicate that minstrelsy remains as much in fashion in Hollywood as when, well, Jar Jar Binks was set loose by George Lucas."

Michael Bay goes on to defend himself by stating: "I purely did it for kids, Young kids love these robots, because it makes it more accessible to them."
Outside of the movie theater where I was watching Away We Go... you know, something that shows movies can be good, I overheard the following from folks coming out of the transformers screening:
"them two nigger robots was the best part."
Then I heard them called Decepticoons and the Jiggabots. Totally classy. I guess when you see these robots in action, that really is the only reaction you can have. Want to see a snippet?

Yeah... way to go, Bay. Them there robots don't read much. How about a Hasidic robot who rads the Torah? Persian robot that transforms into a chariot and shoots Neda. Maybe an Italian robot that rapes female robots and is covered in a thin layer of grease.

Michael Bay is the worst filmmaker but is okay because it serves as a cultural litmus test exposing the dumb among us. The only tool useful for pointing out tools is Ed Hardy clothing. But movies this bad are cultural treasure troves that pack in all the worst elements of our society crystallized for entertainment value, like a rare geode that you crack open only to find that it's full of baby spiders.

Transformers 2 is 2 hours of US Military porn, Megan Fox being ludicrously hot, a Transforming SR-71 Blackbird , some forced funny lines and terrible acting from Shia Leboeuf, utterly mind-blowingly bad and undeterminded CGI. It is 2 hours of utter mindless entertainment. I suppose that appeals to some.

In the first movie that Even Stevens dude hit on Megan Fox by saying there was "More than meets the eye" to her. And they made a sequel based off that.. yeah.. I know.. it's a terrible terrible world.

But hey, since we're on Megan Fox (Hey now, who wouldn't want to be?) Let's talk a bit more about her. Remember, she claims to be a feminist:
How did you feel about being sexualized like that when you were 15?
I thought it was awesome. I was going to a Christian high school and I wasn’t a feminist yet. I hadn’t sat back and analyzed society yet. I was 15! I just did what I was told to do.

What did your parents think?
My mom was with me! I was always übersexual, so she wasn’t shocked. I was always wearing the smallest clothes I could find. I would go to the mall like that — in a short, short skirt and a giant wedge heel. That’s what you do when you’re a teenage girl in a small town.

Do you think you’re good-looking?
Well, I’m clearly not ugly.

There have been a lot of comparisons between you and Angelina Jolie.
I think it’s a lack of creativity on the media’s part. Because I have tattoos and dark hair and I was in an action movie? That’s as far as the similarities extend. I’m not the next anyone.

You’ve said you’re afraid of her.
I was joking! She always seems otherworldly in her power and her confidence. I’m sure she has no idea who I am. But if I were her, I’d be like, ”Who the f— is this little bulls— brat who was in Transformers that’s going to be the next me?” I don’t want to meet her; I’d be embarrassed.

What’s the worst-case scenario [for your caeer in five years]?
Umm…that I’d be on The Hills?
I suppose I could link you to the full thing on Entertainment Weekly's site. I mean, the stuff that spew out of her mouth are hilarious. Here's another snippet.
EW: You've only done a couple of movies, so you're still mostly known as a sex symbol rather than an actress.

Fox: It doesn't bother me. I don't know why someone would complain about that. That just means that the bar has been set pretty low. People don't expect me to do anything that's worth watching. So I can only be an overachiever. I think all women in Hollywood are known as sex symbols. That's what our purpose is in this business. You're merchandised, you're a product. You're sold and it's based on sex. I think women should be empowered by that, not degraded.

Here are some more choice quotes from the 23-year-old actress:
Megan Fox: I happened to be such an outrageous personality that people wanted to start writing about me because it was deemed controversial.

I think most people are extremely insecure. As far as girls go, I have a really badass personality. I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation. So I'm not afraid to speak, and I think that's what people read as this überconfidence. I have a mouth and I'm not afraid to use it.

Women seem to have an issue with you. Do you get that impression?

Sure, for the same reason they didn't like me in high school. I come across as confident and they assume that means that I think I'm hot shit. And that makes them feel bad about themselves and so they hate me.

You also said that when you go to Hollywood parties you feel like chum to these creepy older guys...

I notice them circling me and deciding what their plan of attack is going to be, and I think that's because I have this image of this little sex kitten — this oversexed wild child. So they think that I'm ready to throw down. And so everybody wants to try and, like, get in there. And I'm actually not that way at all.
tldr: überbrainless Megan Fox is shallow human garbage setting back gender roles by 5 decades. Don't believe me? Look at her quote from her days working on the set of Bad Boys
Megan Fox: I got paid extra because if you allow them (crew) to put water on you, you get paid extra. I got probably 600 dollars. "I thought it was awesome. I was going to a Christian high school and I wasn''t a feminist yet... I just did what I was told to do.
That was as an extra in Bad Boys 2. Michale Bay is her abuser. Just remember that the next time you see all the uber hot looking women in a Michael Bay film. They get paid extra to get hosed off.

So there you go. Transformers 2: Racism and Sexism. Then again, when did I become such a prude? It's just that if you've read those interviews you'll get a fine whiff of superficiality. She's a PG-13 pornstar who thinks actresses are empowered by only getting typecast into eye-candy sex roles. She's a self-described feminist who is clueless about feminism and is actually harming the feminist cause with her exclusive "total slut" roles in mass media (quotation hers), would lead me 2 believe she is at best willfully ignorant and at worst a greedy narcissist.

Mass media such as movies can have the power to change minds and attitudes. as for responsibility, any celebrity or public figure is viewed by millions of malleable minds, and their actions and attitudes can either maintain the status quo (Hollywood's White Patriarchy) or shift it toward a more egalitarian society. since we already know her next movie (she's a 16 year old "total slut" who has an orgy with a group of men) its safe to assume she prefers the patriarchy.

Hell, the fact that me, as a guy, would bring up how awful she sounds as a feminist when I've talked so much about the issue would show that she's pretty god damn awful when it comes to talking about all that. It's just a matter that why bother with this PG-13 porn with Linkon Park as the soundtrack when for the same shitty story, you're better off watching actual porn.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Boys Beware

Boys Beware

This is the most important thing you have to beware of, young men-


Homosexuality can hit you where it hurts! The Junk!

That was your needless pointless reading material. Only, you had to read nothing. Way to save yourself some eye strain.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Army Ads - Lying To Get You To Sign The Dotted Line

Army Ads - Lying To Get You To Sign The Dotted Line

I have to say, the worse ads I have ever seen have been those for the armed forces. These are methods to get morons to sign up for the forces to go to other countries and kill kill kill. I remember these growing up and thinking that they were pretty bad. But it has been more in my face on how utterly insane these ads are the more that I see them.

Let's take a stroll through some of these awful ads so you can see how bad they really can get.

That has to be the worse ad I have ever seen for the Marines. I mean, what the fuck does this whole lava monster mean? Back when it first was released in the 90's there was desert storm to join up for. Or did we not have a "protecting your freedom" excuse during that time? Well, I guess the lava monster is a metaphor for women and children

This one follows the same model in making you think that getting through the Marines is like going through a maze or some shit. I really don't know. Maybe they just saw Labyrinth one too many times

What the fuck is up with the sword again anyway. You're more than likely asking if you actually get a sword. Yes, you do. But you have to pay for it or if you manage to recruit five guys or something along those lines you get one for free. I'm dead serious. 5 human lives for a kickass sword is pretty good

At least this next one tells it like it is.

Yes, it's upfront with you. YOU ARE A PAWN. Then again, you may be saying that the guy who is highlighted in the ads is actually a knight. Don't mistake that, your role in this whole thing is as a pawn, the pawn that died immediately at the beginning of the ad.

This is one that goes a different route in that it questions your manhood.

The only thing I got out of that ads was that minivans are for Pussies. Only real men fly planes and open up on a playground with a mark 19.

But is there any easier target than video game players?

Especially when they make the video games themselves..

Then again, this isn't the first time these ads for the armed forces were so stupid. Look at this one from the 50's.

How about we take a look at the army ads from other countries

Oh those Japanese. Notice how it's for defense only. They're still on time out due to WWII

If that doesn't make you cry.. you have no heart and should be bombed on non-stop.

Now that is pretty funny. I'm sure you get the message in that ad. Join now and you'll get laid. Here's a little fun fact that I learned from a friend who had a lot of talks with recruiters. They told him that they would get to fuck hookers nonstop. When he didn't seem interested in the option of collecting VD's, they didn't much talk after. Then during boot camp, they made them go through a training that says that buying the services of a hooker or foreign porn might be inadvertently supporting slave trade/ terrorist. There was a lengthy scenario describing how to avoid getting suckered into supporting an industry that relied on slaves.. Ironic? I think not. Go Navy!

How about those assholes up north?

Fuuuuuuuuck, they're sinister fuckers, aren't they.

Since they have an armed force, perhaps we need someone to equal their fighting style.. so the army clearly needs women, where's the chicks?

Back in 1981 must have been really boring to be in the armed forces

Webster defines strong as having great physical power,
as having moral or intellectual power,
as striking or superior of its kind.

But with all due respect to Webster,
there's strong,
and then there's Army strong.

If there was any more reason NOT to sign up for the armed forces, it would be because Kid Rock was endorsing them

All these ads remind me of Starship Troopers

Then again, that's what they're suppose to do as Starship trooper was a parody on the propaganda that the armed forces pulls

A lot of Army ads now target parents to get them to soften up at the prospect of their child wanting to join the military.

yea mr. farmer guy, who the fuck would be nervous if they had a son dumb enough to choose a career in killing people in war that is more or less universally recognized as being stupid bullshit?

Just remember Mom and Dad... you two can be in future television spotlights if you allow your son to join the armed forces..

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hitting The Hut

Hitting The Hut

I just caught wind of some news that Pizza hut is dropping the pizza. No, you shouldn't be hopeful, they're still going to be cranking out cheese on cardboard and calling it pizza. They'll just be calling themselves a different name. You see, Pizza Hut will now be called The Hut..
Blame recession cuts. Pizza Hut is reportedly slicing the "pizza" from its name. The fast food chain will now be known simply as "The Hut."

The chain, which has recently expanded its menu beyond pizza to include pasta, could not immediately be reached for comment Friday. Media and advertising trade publication MediaWeek characterized the name change as an attempt to transform its stores into hip hangouts. There are more than 10,000 Pizza Huts worldwide.

The new "hut" stores will be more than simply places to place a delivery order, according to MediaWeek. They will include televisions that broadcast CBS programs such as "Wheel of Fortune" and "Entertainment Tonight."

The company has tried to become more hip and youth friendly in recent months. In April, it introduced the Pizza Hut "Twintern," an employee who uses the online service Twitter to update customers about store events and pop culture news.

This isn't the first time for Pizza Hut-parent Yum Brands to change the name of one of their iconic restautant chains, which include KFC and Taco Bell restaurants. In 1991, the company rebranded Kentucky Fried Chicken as KFC. Recently, to highlight the company's healthier grilled chicken offerings, the company has referred to the KFC brand as KGC.
This place has been Pizza Hut since I was old enough to know words. I don't think I could realistically go to some placed called "The Hut" and pretend like I'm ok with it. Who the fuck wants to eat at a place called "The Hut"? This is actually worse than "SyFy." That's saying a lot. It sounds like the name Dane Cook would give it.

So...to become more "hip" and youth friendly, they decide to broadcast...Wheel of Fortune. And Entertainment Tonight. Those kids sure do love Vanna White.
"So what do you guys want to do tonight?"
"Lets go hang out at The Hut and watch Wheel of Fortune"

The fact remains that the biggest patrons of Pizza Hut are old people who want to eat pizza out and little league baseball teams. They're never ever going to be a cool hangout. This whole promotion appeal to the lower classes so that they will sit around at "the hut" all day watching free CBS and eating expensive pizza. I mean, they start the sentence by claiming hip new atmosphere, and finish it with "The Price is Right." That's no where near hip.

It sounds like the atmosphere of a coin-op laundrymat more than a hookah lounge. But, to use a recent cliche, in this economy, the former will probably make them more money. FREE CBS?!? I'm so poor that I will gladly pay for "expensive pizza" for that! But then again I'm lower class so I don't know any better. Right? Then again, anyone eating at Pizza Hut is better off sucking down a quart of vegetable oil if they actually want to eat that much grease.

I do find it funny that Pizza Hut is going to new extremes to drop the Pizza aspect of their name. First in doing the Pasta promotion and then now with the Hut aspect. With thei name change we could start a pretty funny urban rumor. Much like KFC, let's just say that legally Pizza Hut has to change their name because they haven't sold a product that can be called "pizza" in about a decade.

I often like to play marketing genius. Let's see if we can come up with a history towards how this name change is going towards:

Pizza Hut
The Hut
Da Hut
As in, "I dunno, where you wanna eat?" "Duh!"
Yes I am a marketing genius. Let me try to hip up a few other restaurants.

Chipotle - The Chip
Corner Bakery - The Ner
Taco Bell - The Tac
Burger King - The Rger
In n Out - The Nout
Wendy's - Pigtail's
In 'n Out should just get it over with already and have a picture of a dick going into someones butt. There would also be a bible reference somewhere under the balls.

Because we all know that the name change will make the service better and the pizza fresher, as names always do. So why am I giving them a hard time? I dunno. I'm sort of jaded. After having Apizza Scholls it's like seeing how the other side lives. Once you go Apizza Scholls, you can't go back to normal pizza. I mean, look at this thing. It's a thing of beauty. They hand toss their own dough and once they run out, they close up shop. That's fuckin' dedication.

Let's see what Pizza hut has to offer in terms of pizza...

That sir, is a "true" work of culinary genius. I'm pretty sure you can just go to Food4Less and get a personal pizza for 78 cents. It tastes like failure, but if you have an extra dollar fifty to spend on extra sauce and a couple pieces of string cheese it only tastes like your father's disappointment.

I'm sure that if things get really bad, they could always just combine all of the shitty food together. I Present to you: KenTacoHut

Who's going to meet me there next week so we can watch Sixity minutes.



As usual, when I'm feeling like increasing my blog count, I toss up a little video or two. This video is worth a million words.. but none are coming out of my mouth.

I'm just going to point out again that he never drops a cuss and I could never do that. I mean, yeah, he was speaking ontop of a soap box but he was making a point.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

2012 - Just Another Day

2012 - Just Another Day

The time honored tragedy event film goes back a long way to the days of Earth Quake: The Movie and the Towering Infernal, we all love seeing shit blow up. It's why we still have Michael Bay films. So it's with honor that I bring you the latest Hollywood popcorn flick. Though I have to ask why these movies are called "Popcorn" movies? Don't you ever eat popcorn at other times? Do they only sell Gummy Bears during stuff like There Will Be Blood? Here's the latest poster for the turd

The Mayans, the oldest civilization in the world (except they're not), believed that the world will explode or time will stop or something in December 2012 (except they didn't). Based on this wonderful misinterpretation of history, we get another one of ol' Rollie's explodapaloozas, just in time for Thanksgiving.

So what's the story here? Have you never seen a Roland Emmerich movie? There will be three plot arcs. One will be the US President, valiantly trying to save the world. One will be the scientist who saw it all coming trying to get to him. And the third will involve a father searching for his kids or some shit. Let's break this down:

A divorced couple (John Cusack and Amanda Peet) reunites over the end of the world. (See: Jeff Goldblum, Independence Day.) It's the end of the world, and the President (Danny Glover) is played by an older black actor. (See: Morgan Freeman, Deep Impact.) Flaming asteroids are falling from the sky, and famous monuments are being destroyed. (See: New York, Paris, Armageddon.) Terrible science falls way to loads of CGI. (See: Roland Emmerich, The Day After Tomorrow.) Let's see the teaser:

But, released today, the full trailer for Roland Emmerich's next "masterpiece," 2012 is out, and boy does it look... fun?

Other than some impressive Special Effects (though a good portion of the SFX in the trailer looked pretty shitty) there's nothing here. I'm betting that it will be shit like every Emmerich movie that isn't Universal Soldier

Really? Waterships that the governments have been building for years? Shit Blows Up: The Movie is a much better title for this movie. You have to love the subtle symbolism in that Sistine Chapel scene of the trailer. It's just brilliant. It's just missing someone saying "Oh my God!".

I wonder if there will be a professor or scientist with no respect in their field predicts this Armageddon and tries to warn the President. Damn. Will there at least be a stubborn government official who demands no one listen to this science rockstar's tomfoolery, losing perspective as it becomes a matter of personal honor?

The comments in the youtube section are great.
This movie is actually being funded by the US government. They wanted to release a Field Manual for 2012, to help people survive but it was thought that it would cause a panic. So they're releasing it disguised as a movie.
I bet somebody could make a movie about the crazy theories people ramble on about in a comments section.

Was there a shot of a helicopter carrying a Giraffe? Is this retelling of Noah's ark? Actually, the primary sign of the apocalypse is people spontaneously acting out Operation: Dumbo Drop with all sorts of different animals.

I have to say this movie looks hilarious. It's like a final attempt at claiming apocalyptic Hollywood glory by throwing every ridiculous, incomprehensible disaster scenario together with a probably sure to be nonsensical plot. Is there a single creative aspect of this film at all? No. there isn't. Well, I guess you get to see the white house getting smashed by a ship. I don't think they've done that one yet. Otherwise it's the same ol' shit.

You know what made Independence Day good? A massive wall of flame swooping towards a gay man with an incredible raspy voice who says "oh crap." It didn't take itself too seriously. That and just about every Will Smith line is great: "Welcome to Earf" / "Now that's what I call a close encounter." / "I have GOT to get me one of these!"

So the ending of this movie is going to be about how the world doesn't actually end, right? Which de-fangs the whole premise and that's only after the trailer. Or would Emmerich actually have the balls to make a movie where everybody dies?

I can't wait till this movie comes out so for the next two years The History Channel can make comparisons between "real life" history and this movie. "In 2009 Roland Emmerich debuted his hit feature film '2012', but how far from the truth was he?!" What happens to the History channel after 2012 comes and goes, with nothing going wrong?

I love how Roland Emmerich has built a career out of blowing up the Earth. While others are trying to save the world or go green, he's always trying to see new ways to blow up the world and of course, find a new way to destroy the white house. keep on truckin' Roland Emmerich.

The Set-Up Man Moves On... Good Bye Ed McMahon

The Set-Up Man Moves On... Good Bye Ed McMahon

This morning Ed McMahon passed away at age 86. While he passed away around family at Ronald Reagan Hospital, it's still very sad that his last year or so was such hell for him and his family. Breaking his neck in a fall and going bankrupt, it wasn't a great year for him. So let's take a few moments to look back at Television history.

I guess the real trick now is that you see him at your door with a check for $10 million, just assume it's a ruse or that he's death trying to get in your door. In fact, his later years were filled with side gigs. The New York Lotto has been running these ads for a while now

Scary that there's two dead people in that ad now. But a bucks a buck, right? Even if it's trying to push shit like Cash4Gold:

That was one of those last minute rushes to save his ass from total financial meltdown. Hell, for a while there he was about to be bailed out by Donald Trump. Is there any less dignified way to go? Well, I'm sure you can ask David Carradine about that... Now that's not a way to go out. Choked to death while getting off tied up and stuff. Compared to Carradine, Ed went out like a man.

I do wonder if they'll bury in a hermetically sealed jar on Funk and Wagnall's front porch. But that's a joke that goes back to the old tonight show days. You youngin's may not get it.

But speaking of ways to get taken out.. I suppose dying bankrupt was a good thing. Hell, I'd rather die broke as all hell after making massively big bucks. That means he had it all and he blew it all on things that made him happy. Fuck the family fighting over my millions, I want to use it all before I go out! He took it all with him. Now that's dying his own way!

But I have to say Bye-ooooh to you, Ed. You're saying Hey-ooooooH to the angels right about now. Don't worry folks, there's gold toilets and night shows galore where he's going off to.... and no creditors, no creditors at all...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Go Ask Alice, When She's Ten Feet Tall!

Go Ask Alice, When She's Ten Feet Tall!

It's a Hot Topic store's wet dream. No worries about any sort of resession, we have a Tim Burton movie coming down the line. Hundreds of Hot Topic jobs will be saved now! Even before pictures were released today, I'm sure the company had a slew of t-shirts already ready to get printed up. Now their job will be a little easier as today they released some official character pictures and some concept art through USA article.

The surprising thing is that the film will be somewhat of a sequel to Disney's original animated film, while still being a direct adaptation of Lewis Carrol's work. Which is a bit confusing, but sure, why not. So what's this all about? The break down
The traditional tale has been freshened with a blast of girl power, courtesy of writer Linda Woolverton (Beauty and the Beast). Alice, 17, attends a party at a Victorian estate only to find she is about to be proposed to in front of hundreds of snooty society types. Off she runs, following a white rabbit into a hole and ending up in Wonderland, a place she visited 10 years before yet doesn't remember.
While I'm sort of an Alice purist, going so far as having a lot of copies of the original for no real reason, I did love the American McGee's game for all it was worth. I played the shit out of that game. So maybe that's why I have hope for the films as well. I mean, as long as it's full of drug references and logic puzzles, I'll be happy.

Now of course it's Tim Burton, so it could be total shit. His recent films have ranged from Okay to Awful. So maybe he's going to need a little help from his friends to make sure this isn't the on again/off again Burton film. Because really, this film should change the name to Tim Burton Presents: "Cast All Your Friends"

Returning Burton actor and fan favorite of all tweens for the last 30 years we have Johnny Depp as The Mad Hatter

Is it me or does he look a bit like Elijah Wood in drag? I dunno. Just saying. I'm a bit worried about Depp. I'm concerned that Tim Burton is going to try to beef up the role of the Hatter so he can please all the Depp/Hatter fan dipshits out there who walk around Disney in that large Mad Hatter Hats. While I'm a fan of Johnny Depp from way back in the day when he was a narc at the local High school, I don't want the Hatter running Mad on the story.

Helena Bonham-Carter as The Red Queen

Wow. They actually enlarged her head to make her look like the original drawings. That's an interesting twist to it. I mean, I guess she's used to having a little bit of a big head.. she is sleeping with the director. Rim shot! Oooh yeah.

Then we get to an actress that I have a crush on for I don't know how long. Anne Hathaway is just really pretty. What can I say, but she shows up in this as The White Queen.

I like the design of the Queen of Hearts better than the White Queen, who just looks like Galadriel meets Jadis or something. She's too bright. I mean, this is a Tim Burton movie, right? Oh who am I kidding, I'm madly in love with Anne Hathaway that I watched The Devil Wears Prada (be it free on the lot) because she was in it. But I'm not certain she makes a good White Queen. Besides that, Carol Channing is the only real White Queen

Moving on to the rest of the cast for this film. We have Stephen Fry playing a wide grinning cat as well as Christopher Lee in the mix making things nice. Then you have the real gem of all this, Alan Rickman. Yes, that's right. Alan Rickman is in it. Though I would have liked to see him as the Mad Hatter instead but him as the Cattapiller works out alright. If there's someone I'd watch a movie for, it's Alan Rickman. The man can act. Though none of this goes against my statement that this is just Burton's usual cast of actors, perhaps we should move on to the score.

And if you're asking who's going to compose the music... Well then, you're not a Tim Burton fan. With the cast being so many friends of his, I'm sure we can already guess who will be doing the score for this. Which isn't a bad thing. I'm a long time fan of Oingo Boingo. Was even there for the farewell Halloween tour. But maybe it's time to get someone different?

It's CREEPY... but WHIMSICAL! Oh, Tim Burton, how I'd love to kick you in the nads and then give you a hug and ask for your autograph on my Nightmare Before Christmas Jack Skellington doll. Because we all know that Nightmare Before Christmas is a great movie but it was directed by Henry Selick.

Now, I actually got the chance to get on the set of the film on Sony's lot a bit ago. It was a strange experience. A little behind the scenes piece of information though, when you're on the set of something, it looks a lot different than when you see it on screen. Consider it a piece of movie magic. Sets, while huge in size, are only 1/10th the actual crispness and beauty they are on the big screen. Colors come to life with the use of computer manipulated software and of course, you're only seeing a fraction of the actual action taking place.

Much the same as when I worked on Arrested Development. While I would hear plot points and see where the story was going, watching it on tv all pieced together was a whole lot funnier. As if I was looking at a lot of puzzle pieces scattered on the floor and then see what they make up when they're finally put altogether. So my time on the Alice set, while weird and filled with wonderment, was also not as clear as seeing this new information on the film online.

Tim Burton is going to have to take it up a notch in making this his usual weirdness. Considering we already have Svankmajer's version of Alice in Wonderland, it's going to take a lot to really make this story weird.

But hey, if you want a dark and edgy version of Alice in Wonderland right now and complete with pedophilia undertones, just watch Svankmajer's version. That was an acid trip without having to wake up in a cardboard box the next morning.

But hey, Tim Burton should be able to make a new version of the film that takes place 10 years after the cartoon while also making it good and not at all like Return to Oz, right? Right? I mean, I like the concept sketches mainly because those feel very in line with both the original Disney film and the works of Lewis Carrol. Besides, this can't be as bad as Planet of the Apes, right? Right?

If you'll excuse me, I'm running late for an important date!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Go Ask Your Father

Go Ask Your Father

You can learn a lot about yourself on the open road. For one thing, you can learn when you shouldn't be speeding because there's a state police officer pointing a radar gun at you. You can also learn that the left lane is for passing only, and no matter how fast over the speed limit you're going, there's always someone in a larger car that is going to try to go faster than you. These are wonderful things to learn, but since it's Father's day, perhaps we should learn something about your father today.

When it's a few hundred miles between major cities, the selection of radio stations to listen to isn't all that great. Most of the time it's some back water country station or the farmer's report. This is why I listen to NPR. Even if you're bored to tears by the stories and the news is something you really don't like.. Which, I'm sort of surprised you're even reading this blog considering half of the content is just news pieces.

Anyway, this episode of This American Life was specific in that it stayed on the topic of Fathers. Mainly the many ways they have played a role in our life. Or for that matter, if they didn't play a role in our life. A major question was asked. Are we going to sit down and talk to our parents about all the things they did that made you feel bad? What are you going to do? Say something and then know that you made them feel bad?

More than likely the people that you're mad at are all gone. They've been replaced by this different person. Confronting your parents never works because by the time you do it, they're totally different people.

So if you will, take a listen to this episode of This American Life.


And if you're having issues getting there, here's a link to the page for it Go Ask Your Father

The program makes a lot of valid points. I'm not sure there's anyone out there who feels like their upbringing was perfect or that doesn't have some sort of issue with their parents. Generally you see Daddy issues come to play. I know I have my own share of baggage. I know I have a lot of questions for dear ol' papa. I'm certain that a lot of those will never be answered. More to the point, I don't think I should ever really ask them anyway. He choose his path in life and he walked down it.

The episode really does strike a nerve on how much you really need to hear in terms of justification of your upbringing. Even if they weren't the best parent, you're still around. Perhaps the one job they had, in that to keep you alive, they did a decent enough job at that you're still alive. As much as the radio program stated, by the time you usually are aware of what went wrong, it's too late. Can't keep holding a grudge or wondering why. Just accept it and move on. It all becomes a moot point and perhaps you should enjoy the time you do have left with them.

So that's one thing I discovered and wanted to share with all of you while traveling on the road of this here American life.

Hollywood is One Big Stooge

Hollywood is One Big Stooge

I caught wind about this train wreck of a project some months back that they were actually going to try to do a Three Stooges film. Not as a biopic but as a comedy.
MGM and the Farrelly brothers are closing in on their cast for "The Three Stooges."

Studio has set Sean Penn to play Larry, and negotiations are underway with Jim Carrey to play Curly, with the actor already making plans to gain 40 pounds to approximate the physical dimensions of Jerome "Curly" Howard.

The studio is zeroing in on Benicio Del Toro to play Moe.

The film is not a biopic, but rather a comedy built around the antics of the three characters that Moe Howard, Larry Fine and Howard played in the Columbia Pictures shorts.

The quest by the Peter and Bobby Farrelly to harness the project spans more than a decade and three studios. They first tried at Columbia, again at Warner Bros., and finally at MGM, where Worldwide Motion Picture Group chairman Mary Parent championed the cause and bought the WB-owned scripts and made a deal with Stooges rights holders C3.

Production will begin in early fall for a release sometime in 2010. The Farrellys, who wrote the script, are producing with their Conundrum partner Bradley Thomas, and Charlie Wessler.

C3 Entertainment principals Earl and Robert Benjamin will be executive producers.

Project will get underway after Penn completes the Asger Leth-directed Universal/Imagine Entertainment drama "Cartel." He hasn't done a comedy since the 1989 laffer "We're No Angels."

The Farrellys have long had their eyes on Del Toro to play Moe. Del Toro, who's coming off "Che," showed comic chops in the Guy Ritchie-directed "Snatch."

The surprise is the emergence of Carrey to play Curly. Howard established the character as a seminal physical comedian, from the first time he appeared in the first Stooges short in 1934 until he suffered a stroke on the set in 1946.
Yes, that's right. You read it correctly. And for those who don't actually read the news piece I post, Sean Penn is pinned to play Larry, Benecio Del Toro would play Moe and Jim Carrey would play Curly. What the hell?

I did not expect to see Che Guevara, Andy Kaufman, and Harvey Milk end up playing the Three Stooges. Then again, I've seen Gandhi piss into a bucket and have it used as a weapon so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Have the Farrelly Brothers had a good movie since Something About Mary? I love the Farrellys but how on earth did they get the clout to get this cast of Oscar winners and nominees to appear as the headlining trio in a pretty silly premised slapstick comedy? Their last projects have all pretty much been duds. This seems like a really odd choice.

I also don't understand going the pure comedy route rather than biopic. Frankly the physical antics of the stooges are pretty tired to me at this point. I feel like comedy has just evolved beyond eye-poking and pies to the face as the height of hilarity. I would've thought introducing the biographic element would allow a lot more depth into the story while still letting the filmmakers show the funny side of the actors.

A bit of positive news hit about this recently. It seems that Sean Penn is out of this.

LOS ANGELES – Sean Penn will not be one of "The Three Stooges" or join "Cartel."

A spokeswoman for the Oscar winner said he is dropping out of the films. Penn spokeswoman Mara Buxbaum did not specify a reason, but said if the start dates on the productions were to be postponed, Penn would remain involved.

Penn was slated to star as Larry in "Three Stooges" and as a man protecting his son in "Cartel."

So that's good, though like a hydra, when one head is removed, two more will take its place. Who knows what sort of worse situation we will get than spicoli being a stooge. Maybe Penn was the lesser of two evils in all this. And maybe the project will never get off the ground. One can hope.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Shitty Tattoos Return

Shitty Tattoos Return

It's hard to escape it, really. I mean. I will gladly continue to open up with the tattoo question on why I don't have one. The real reason is because I'm not going to commit to one image on my body for the rest of my life. I can't even remember what I was into and enjoyed five years ago, let alone what I will enjoy or find witty enough to keep on my body thirty years into the future.

These following folks, on the other hand, will gladly know the answer to that.. they will have shitty tattoos on their body. Now let's take a look at their crappy tattoos and learn that the body is not something to fuck with.

First up is Taco Bear. No, I didn't type Taco Bell wrong. In someone's mind I suppose they misheard the name and in their drunken stupor just rolled with it. But then they went ahead and figured that they would come up with the design of a bear enjoying tasty tacos. This is the end result.

Then we got this gem. She got this from a guy who shoehorned a jay and silent bob reference into his deviantart url. she admits it looks 'sketchy as hell if u havent seen the art' but perhaps thats because the art is sketchy as hell and she is some sort of retard who would rather use a shitty sketch than take the (awful) idea and have another artist redraw it to make it work better for a tattoo. oh and she got it smack dab between her tits. welp. Hope you enjoy having a penis shaped blender between your tits.

Though I guess it's a worse than the other tattoo she got that has secret meaning to it

get it. a square. on her hip. hip to be square. get it. She also apparently does that annoying air quotes thing so much she thought it woudl be agood idea to get actual apostrophes tattooed on her fingers in white ink. no, you wont really be able to see them but im sure next time she air quotes something she will really enthusiastically airquote the shit out of it and desperately look for someone to notice her shitty tattoos.

I'm not sure if it says Hold Fast or Mold Fast. Perhaps he's concerned with how long he has before the food in his fridge spoils? You would think that if you were getting something on your body that you'd want to make sure that it can be read with ease.

No, it's in step. But the real question is how much will you be able to read of it when he's out of shape. Will it look like a mushy pile of ink? Either way, foot tattoos are a little strange. Maybe it's because I'm not a hippie who only wears sandals, but I don't see all that many openings to show off your feet to anyone other than at the beach.

Many dumb tattoos can be blamed on drinking too much. This one is a direct result of drinking too much..

Nothing is more cool than a dragon tattoo. Not unless you count a dragon tattoo wrapped around a sword. Swords are awesome! They're sharp and they can cut things. Too bad you can't cut coolness with this.

While I enjoyed most of Lost for what it is, these fine folks decided that the number mystery was too much and they must simply get a tattoo reminding them of how awesome it is. I'm sure in twenty years the lotto numbers will be exactly these and then 20 thousand nerds will have to share the winnings.

Those aren't bug bites. This person is trying to relive the awesomeness that is Predator by mimicing that their leg is about the blown off by a Predators laser gun. Way to be cool, homie.

Star Wars nerds know no bounds. This one looks like an average lightsaber tattoo. Nothing strange about it, right?

Wrong. At night it lights up with the help of UV light. So you know this douche walks around everywhere with a UV light on his keychain showing this off.

This one... speaks for itself.

I'm not entirely sure I know what Hug Life is all about. I do know that I don't want any part of it.

While I love this state very much, I would not bother writing its name on my arm. What with the whole state budget in the shape that it is in and all.

Now the person with the next two I know. She's a nice person and hell, she let me share a room with her during one year at comic con when I wasn't able to book a room for myself. But I wouldn't be fair and balanced if I didn't point out the obvious in this stuff.

Take notice on where Link is jumping from. Her crotch. I have to say that after growing up playing the Zelda franchise I don't like to picture Link jumping out of someone's crotch. I remember that game all too well. I know what I would do when I was bored in the game. I would run around with Link and start slashing at bushes. Maybe I should stop with that metaphor while I'm ahead...

Here's a profile shot and notice that she has the Zelda life bar meter on her upper chest. Yes, that's pixeled hearts right there. I guess that's not a shitty tattoo. But I do have to wonder if she'll still like the game franchise or if she'll even remember when she's old and those hearts look like little lip stick smeared marks.

But hey, she did house me during comic con, so I can give her a pass, right? As for the other people's tattoos I pointed out in this blog. Fuck 'em. They're losers for getting those tattoos. Wait, let me correct myself. They're losers for getting those SHITTY tattoos.

Me on the other hand, I'm looking to get this tat'ed all on my back