BIDENG OFF A PIECE OF THAT <--JO BIDEN ON THURSDAY
Levi Johnston back in your shit, in full FX yall. Things have totally flipped upside down since last week so let me just give you the rundown on all this crazy shit.
First up, I got high as fuck last week and Willow fuckin called me at like 2 AM from New York or some shit and I was like "talk me through while I rub one out" and she was all "its like 5 oclock here what are you crazy." Damn girl I saw you on the TV and your ass looked fine, but she was all road blockin my shit. Anyway, word somehow got back to Bristol and of course she goes crazy over it because of pregnant hormones. Im not pointin any fingers but I suspect carol fiorina that dumbass because bitch got sent to the minor leagues for being a jackoff and now she hates mrs. palin.
So me an bristol have a fight, but it turns out good because we make up and she is totally gettin ready to give me a BJ when the friggin security guys knock on the door. We had some visitor from all those Maclain lawyers that are up here for something about the troops or something, I don't know I was lit when they told me the first time. Anyway this guy named Ambramowitz or some stupid shit tells me that because of the election suckin a huge dick and the polls suckin even bigger dicks I gotta marry Bristol like just about right away.
Im like "no fuck that dude I am Levi fuckin Johnston this bird was born free! now get the fuck out before I put you through that plate glass" and he gulped like I was gonna throw his ass through the door onto the deck. I bet he was shittin huge dooks, but downside was Bristol started cryin and was all I thought you loved me Levi like I love you FUUUUUUUUCK
I cant deal with that shit, ya know? I fuckin lock up when bitches start really cryin and I'm huggin her and then I reach for her titty, ya know, just a little to feel the side or somethin because I was bored and shes like YOU DONT LOVE ME!!!! WHAT THE FUCK? I dont love you bitch? Whos idea was it to see if theres a special class to put twang in so he stop bein so fuckin stupid. Whos idea was it to get those matchin keepsake glass beer mugs with our faces lasered into that shit? That shit is bad ass dont try to take credit for that shit.
Don't love you? Pshh, great work detective sherlock thats why im sleepin on Bodies couch listenin to him fight with Rianna. I calmed Bristol down though got her to chill out and do some jager shots and then she started pukin and I was like "does this mean I dont get that BJ?"
Of course not. Of course not. Guess who always comes last? Me. My feelins. I've got shit too, right? Issues and shit. I need BJs.
So like then that Ambramowitz guy comes back and hes like "yo, Levi, you want a new motocross bike" and im like shit yea I wrecked my last one passin out on a frozen lake and drove it into a fuckin boat dock. Lucky I fell off and slid onto the rocks because I didnt even wake up and the shit caught fire and melted through the lake. Coulda been me on that shit. Thank god every day for that shit.
Ambramowitz is like "all you gotta do is marry Britsol before the end of October and I can get you a motocross bike, snow machine, four wheelers and whatever" I was like, fuck it, if he's just throwin shit out there get me some singles for shaine and jasmine to double dance at alaskan bush company, free wings for life from wings street, some new skates, you know, shit I need for the baby.
Dude was like "sure whatever Levi you the fuckin pimp daddy its yours" so the next day he shows up with just about everythin I asked for includin this laminated card that gets me free wings for a million years. I already used that shit like six times. Dude said its comin from some black account and dont worry or whatever the government is payin.
Oh, yeah, the other shit that is messed up is the debate shit. I almost forgot about that shit because I been doin wheelies down 5th street with jasmine on the back with her titties all out. I made that shit rain it was crazy. They gave me a special ATM card with the CIA symbol on it and I just put that shit in the ATM at great alaskan bush and out comes like 600 singles and its on.
So this squinty dude Jo Biden is workin with that Obamna guy and tryin to be Veep. I guess hes some sort of homo from New York or some shit. Rides the train all the time. His whole family died or some shit so hes in politics to avenge them like some sort of gayass rambo. Bro, no matter how much socialism you pass for illegal immigrants it cant bring back your faggot wife.
The dude is a total chodelover but the liberal media has it in for mrs. palin on account of she is a hot bitch with fine ass titties and loves guns and babies and shit. The media thinks Trend is her baby, which is cool with me because bitches in the club is like that alien from species. If they know you had a retarded baby with them crazy Chinese eyes they will never hop up on your dick.
Anyway nonwithstanding bitches triflin in the club on my genes the media has this story they made up like mrs. palin is dumb as fuck and cant answer shit. BS. She is smart as hell. If you ask her a crossword she knows that shit like instantly. She is always yellin out shit on jepardy or guessin fuckin wheel of fortune before any vowels get bought. Seriously.
Bitch is scary smart. She knows the capitals of like half the states and the only ones she cant get are those gay ass states like New York or Illinois where everybody knows its New York or Chicago or whatever but then they have a stupid fake capital for tourism.
Springfield? What the fuck is that I want some nasty ass giant pizza and some fuckin tix to see the blackhawks get trashed. Ha ha. AS BORAT WOuld say VERRY NIICE!
Too bad for those faggots in the news media always talkin shit about mrs palin and all the liberals like obanama, who seems like a badass but I guess hes a fag. Shit he was in a helicopter wearin shades and shit and he looked like a baller but I guess hes JAB (just another bitch). Anyway too bad for all of them. Mrs. palin is at some sort of debate trainin camp. Its like the same shit delta force goes through when they gotta debate somebody like Iran or some shit. I havent heard who is trainin her, but it looks like captain riker from star treck.
everbody knows that dude was rough as hell and would as soon fuck a bitch up as look at her, but mrs. palin is tough as shit. I bet she not only gets on with commander riker but when he starts bustin out his trumpet solo she pulls out that flute and goes to to town on that shit. He'll be like "whoa those are crazy good skills" and shell be like "thanks, but you might want to look behind you" and when he turns to look behind him shell make the deabte point and win the debate.
So look out jo biden. Expect the unexpected!!
Oh yeah and before I go I gotta remind you guys. My nigger Tucker in LA took a shitload of money that the government was giving me and hes gonna shot a porno and then well split it 50/50. Basically its autobigraphical and I wrote all the scripts and shit. Hes castin for mrs palin right now.
Theres a great opportunity for when I come to LA next saturday for you to give me a BJ and then ill pee on you in a Hummer. Don't worry, I dont have to do you in the butthole if yall dont want to. Its up in the air, ya know? If you look like mrs. palin just contact Tucker.
Whatever, well just throw some wig and stupid ass glasses on a fine bitch if nobody shows up. That Tina Faye bitch gots a good mrs palin look going. so if palins busy bashing some douche in a deabte, that snl trim can fill in.